This Week in the Ancient Near East

It’s This Week in the Ancient Near East at the Movies! The Special Inadvertent Pre-Holiday Biblical Epic Edition!

In 1923 Cecil B. De Mille made The Ten Commandments on a huge Egyptian set in the California dunes, which archaeologists have excavated. So obviously we’re asking, what’s the deal with Biblical movies? Ripping yarns or morality tales with Nazi punching? And would a picture about the backbreaking scientific tedium of real archaeology be a crowdpleaser? With a special shoutout to our friends Donny Osmond and Walter Benjamin!

The Archaeology of Ancient Fingerprints, or Profiling Potters for Fun and Profit

Fingerprints on ancient pottery? Like from the potters? Ok, we’re not cops but we are a little curious. Who are these potters at Byzantine Moza, Tell Leilan, Tell en Nasbeh, Tell es Safi, and other Bronze and Iron Age sites around the Near East? Who's producing what and why are they using child labor to decorate pottery? Maybe we really should call the cops. 

A Mediterranean Metal Mystery, or, Those Tin Ingots from Uzbekistan? Yeah, Well, They’re at the Bottom of the Ocean

Central Asian tin in a Late Bronze Age shipwreck at the bottom of Mediterranean raises questions like, “who brought the tin thousands of kilometers west from what’s now Uzbekistan,” and “who’s tin was it when the boat sank.” Ok, they’re not questions like, “what is best in life” or “are you going to eat that sandwich” but they’re what we’ve got.

How I Made Your Mummy, Or, A Special Blend of Herbs and Spices with a Side Order of Sun Dried Crocodiles

The discovery of a 26^th Dynasty mummification workshop has shown that exotic ingredients came from as far as India and Africa. Is this just an early version of Goop, rich people getting sold on weird ingredients just because the poors were catching up? But then how do we explain the sun dried crocodiles? Go ahead, we’ll wait.

Crime Grips Uruk, Sheep and Tunic Stolen!, Or, Law and Order: Neo-Babylonia

This is the city, Uruk. I was working the day shift out of the Eanna Temple when the call came in about a missing sheep and tunic. We picked up the perp pretty quickly and he started to sing, so we rolled up 39 of his pals. But word came down that the great and the good were putting up bail. That’s when the king got involved and things got interesting.

What’s Cooking in the Middle Paleolithic and Is It Toxic? Or, Soak, Pound and Char Your Way to Better Health!

In the Middle Paleolithic dinner included plants like bitter vetch and mustard. The problem is these plants are toxic. So who figured out that you had to soak, pound and char them before eating? More importantly, what happened to the folks who didn’t figure it out? Come for the helpful cooking hints, stay for the incisive comments on wraps!

New Inscriptions from Hezekiah’s Chunnel? Or, If An Inscription Drops in a Newspaper Does it Really Make a Sound?

New Biblical era inscriptions allegedly by Hezekiah are making waves in the newspapers. They raise many questions like, where’s the full scholarly publication, and, how about a decent picture at least? Is that how we do it now, just talk about stuff in the papers before producing the goods? How do we know if something is real and spectacular if it isn’t reviewed by a jury of one’s peers? Our contestant are washing the delicates in public!

Apocalypse When? A Very Special This Week in the Ancient Near East One Part Docu-Drama in Response to Something You Might Have Seen On Netflix

Ancient Apocalypse on Netflix has been watched like 25 million times and archaeologists are up in arms. It’s worlds in collision! It’s an unsolved mystery! But really, what’s the big deal? Is crazy talk about a vanished civilization dangerous or ludicrous? Our contestants disagree amusingly on many issues. THAT’S WHY THEY SHOULD HAVE A NETFLIX SERIES!

With a special guest appearance by Simon McCorkingdale, as Manimal!