This Week in the Ancient Near East

How I Made Your Mummy, Or, A Special Blend of Herbs and Spices with a Side Order of Sun Dried Crocodiles

The discovery of a 26^th Dynasty mummification workshop has shown that exotic ingredients came from as far as India and Africa. Is this just an early version of Goop, rich people getting sold on weird ingredients just because the poors were catching up? But then how do we explain the sun dried crocodiles? Go ahead, we’ll wait.

Crime Grips Uruk, Sheep and Tunic Stolen!, Or, Law and Order: Neo-Babylonia

This is the city, Uruk. I was working the day shift out of the Eanna Temple when the call came in about a missing sheep and tunic. We picked up the perp pretty quickly and he started to sing, so we rolled up 39 of his pals. But word came down that the great and the good were putting up bail. That’s when the king got involved and things got interesting.

What’s Cooking in the Middle Paleolithic and Is It Toxic? Or, Soak, Pound and Char Your Way to Better Health!

In the Middle Paleolithic dinner included plants like bitter vetch and mustard. The problem is these plants are toxic. So who figured out that you had to soak, pound and char them before eating? More importantly, what happened to the folks who didn’t figure it out? Come for the helpful cooking hints, stay for the incisive comments on wraps!

New Inscriptions from Hezekiah’s Chunnel? Or, If An Inscription Drops in a Newspaper Does it Really Make a Sound?

New Biblical era inscriptions allegedly by Hezekiah are making waves in the newspapers. They raise many questions like, where’s the full scholarly publication, and, how about a decent picture at least? Is that how we do it now, just talk about stuff in the papers before producing the goods? How do we know if something is real and spectacular if it isn’t reviewed by a jury of one’s peers? Our contestant are washing the delicates in public!

Apocalypse When? A Very Special This Week in the Ancient Near East One Part Docu-Drama in Response to Something You Might Have Seen On Netflix

Ancient Apocalypse on Netflix has been watched like 25 million times and archaeologists are up in arms. It’s worlds in collision! It’s an unsolved mystery! But really, what’s the big deal? Is crazy talk about a vanished civilization dangerous or ludicrous? Our contestants disagree amusingly on many issues. THAT’S WHY THEY SHOULD HAVE A NETFLIX SERIES!

With a special guest appearance by Simon McCorkingdale, as Manimal!

The Lice Combs of Lachish, Or, Bless This Beard and All Who Dwell Within It

An ivory lice comb found at Iron Age Lachish is actually from the Middle Bronze Age and contains the first complete Canaanite sentence. It talks about lice. Didn’t see that coming. So obviously we argue about hair care products and the connection between literacy and nearsightedness.

Born on the (Mesopotamian) Bayou, or Welcome to Lagash; There is No Lifeguard on Duty, Swim at Your Own Risk

New data shows that cities in southern Mesopotamia were often islands in the stream divided by canals with lots of open spaces. What does it mean for early urban life if you have to take a gondola to work? Did kids learn to swim at Sumerian YMCAs? Who knew that urbanism was such a splash? 

A 25th Dynasty Egyptian Cheese Fit for the Afterlife, or, Why Expiration Dates Matter

The discovery of cheese in a 25^th Dynasty Egyptian tomb made us realize, everybody loves cheese. But what is cheese, really? And whether a spreadable chevre or a squeaky halloumi, how did people even survive it before pasteurization? Our panelists stand proudly with the cheese.